Firesign Political Rap: Election '96


"Bob Dole to me is a Greek tragedy. He really is. He's a character. I really romanticized Dole for a while, early on, because I knew he was in for a crushing defeat long before anybody else began to get a smell of the decay. I've always known that Clinton is an extraordinary campaigner, and I think an extraordinary president, too. I think in these difficult times, and just let me say right now that I think he and his wife are doing a magnificent job. They are helping us out of a different Great Depression, that this is. When he was able to come out bloodied from New Hampshire and say, "Hey, you see the hits I'm taking, it's nothing compared to what you the American public have been taking for the last 12 years.", I knew we had a great man. But Dole, its so tragic because I see him like a Greek character being haunted by these Furies all around him. Here is a man who at one point was kind of a solid Mid-western somewhat liberal Republican, certainly on certain issues. Not a bad civil rights record, not a bad record on such like welfare and food stamps, and the real safety net stuff. He made 2 pacts. He made a pact with Richard Nixon, which has haunted him ever since. And I mean then with the Christian Right. He got together with the crooks and he got together with the Ayatolhas, and they are driving him into the ground. Because of course, the one thing about the American public, conservative as it is, we're a very centrist nation. What we don't like are mean people and extremists. Even if those people may be correct, I don't know, I'm talking about the issues, I talking about what it takes to successfully to appeal to the American public. And being mean and being crazy, doesn't do it. They're referring to Dole now as dead man walking. On the Big Internet Broadcast I offered up one of my favorite dishes at the Digital Diner was the Bob Dole Sacrificial Lamb. It's roasted all summer, thoroughly digested in the fall, and entirely passed by November 5th. And the Republicans are going to lose both Houses, because Clinton's coat tails are going to be so long.

There was a CBS-New York Times poll that came out that said 70% of the registered voters feel that Dole is gonna lose. 70% of the people who said they were going to vote for him, think he's gonna lose. The poor fool, he can't keep himself out of a bad issue. He just can't stop himself. I'll be glad to talk about the Bob Dole tobacco stuff. It's one of these great no wins, and nobody can tell him differently. He's gonna stick with it because he knows that he quit so why can't somebody else quit. He just doesn't get it man. He can't write, remember? Another thing is when they ask him why he wants to be president, he doesn't have an answer. Because he really doesn't know why he wants to be president. Its not that important to him. He's just figured well he's been trying long enough and there's nobody else out there, he's as good as the rest of the bastards running, so why shouldn't he run. Its just crushing to see this man, but on the other hand, he's been such a mean SOB that I think he's supped with the Devil and he didn't even use a short spoon. You know? He was eating right out of the Devil's mouth. It's just bad contact. If only Bob Dole could come on and be the comedian that he really is. He'd save everybody a whole lot of time. He's really a funny man. He really is."


"Well, you know I've always had a great interest and fascination in Bob Dole. There's something about the guy, there's something...Let's talk frankly here. The arm, let's talk the arm. I mean the guy paid his dues. For all of my generation of people have tended to feel overburdened by the 2nd World War by our own dads. As we get older we tend to look back at the 2nd World War as the last great honest act of mass murder that anybody ever did. Nobody's proven yet that Hitler was right. Our dads, our dads and our moms, I shouldn't keep saying dads, it sounds more dramatic to say it that way, but our parents did something in that war that they have every right to be incredibly proud of, that we have every right to be incredibly proud of. But we grew up in the 50s, at least my end of the counter culture generation, and I'm at the old end of it. I'm 55. We grew up in a privileged society the like of which the earth has hardly ever seen since the slaves of Nebracanezzer use to run ice cream down the mountains. So I have a lot of respect for good old Bob Dole. And he's a man not worth respecting, believe me. He's as much of a liar and a cheat as every lawyer that get's into politics. And I think Elizabeth Dole is not a saint, and I think that Hillary Clinton is not a saint.

What's interesting about all of it to me, mostly is that we are allowed on the inside. The press no longer hides Franklin Rooseveldt's wheelchair from us. It in fact drags Franklin's wheelchair, and his imaginary wife out every 5 minutes. And points out to us the foible's of actual lawyers who become actual politicians. And this is just about the most interesting thing that ever happened."



Phil Proctor: Well, I've seen pen marks, ink marks, on his wife's back! That's a good sign.


PP: I'm just surprised that when he's in the Mid-West, or the Mid-East he doesn't stick a corn cob in there or something. You know? I mean how about a little imagination here Bob. But listen, I tell ya I can sum up Bob Dole's campaign in a bumper sticker I found in New England. We were up in New England recently, at a truck stop. I bought it, it says, "Missing Bob Dole's Personality". Now that's a bumper sticker in a truck stop! Right next to "DARE to Keep Cops Off Doughnuts", which was another one that I thought was pretty good. The problem with Bob Dole is that he, which is actually an attribute that's nice about the guy, he doesn't follow orders. He's very much his own man. And I certainly do respect him as a human being. I think that Bob Dole is an amazing guy. He certainly does his job very well, it's just not a very nice job. You know? And no matter what his handlers tell him what to do, he's a real American, he goes his own way. I think that he subscribes to the philosophy, "that if everyone else is doing it, how do I say no?". Well Bob, he just says, "No, I'm not going to do it!" And so no matter how they try to say, "Now Bob, you've got to read this speech as it's written on the teleprompter." And Bob says, "No, Bob Dole won't do that!" You see, Bob Dole will do that, but Bob Dole won't do that. The fact that Bob Dole speaks of himself in the 3rd person shows you that he's a deeply disturbed man. Whenever I hear a politician who speaks of himself in the 3rd person, like "George Bush wouldn't do that!"(Bush voice), I get very nervous. You see? If Bob Dole is gonna be a great President, well says Bob Dole. Who says? Well Bob Dole says that. Well believe me that's confusing. I'm only going to vote for one man in office. I don't want Bob Dole, and then Bob Dole. It's like voting for a ventriloquist or something.


"I heard a Dole speech on the Jim Lehrer News Hour. I guess they're running stump speeches of the candidates. Ah! They ran this thing of Dole's and I mean it was incoherent. I can't believe it. Everybody is saying, all the reporters are saying how boring it is out there on the trail, but I mean's the message, get it. You know? You've got to get out there with something more than, "We'll see to it. It's lower taxes." It's the most embarrassing thing. His people must be dying. He's out of it on his own hook. He doesn't have anything to pitch. When his handlers realized that the public did not want a contract with America that sounded like a contract on America. they moved right on past Dole, who never offered anything. I think he's been out from the beginning. Still it was just startling that by this time, he didn't have anything.

In terms of George Tirebiter, basically he's running for VP, which is what he always been running for, but now it means Virtual President. He's running for VP on an international basis, so he's on his way to Vancouver British Columbia today in Canada, not very far from where I live. He's going to be doing a bit of campooning up there. That's where the great apes project is located and one of George's big interests this year is providing full citizenship for the great apes. That's the gorillas, the orangutans, and the chimpanzees. He feels that those creatures, and I must say that I agree with him, those creatures deserve the same kind of treatment that human beings get, particularly not to be sliced apart in laboratories.


"Are you important or are you just wasting my time. I'm just teasing you as I'm delighted to be able to talk to you so early in the morning. I'm a little out of breath as I hoped to be on time. I was staying in Mr. Bergman's spare room, and he's very good to me. Bergman and Proctor, they put me up when I'm down in Los Angeles, on the trail. I'm sleeping in the Bergman's garage. You know when you're on the road, its anything... He's got a nice old Mercury here, a splendid automobile, it leaks a little oil, I'm afraid, during the evening. I'm just tucked in... Yes I heard you say that you're going to put me over the top. I just wanted to point out to you that I was already over the top. Something I hope you already know.

We've been running every 4 years since 1972 for The Natural Surrealist Party, there's been several other names, The Natural Surrealist Light People's Party, that was one cognomen we had, but surrealism, you know is a state of being more real than reality itself, which allows us to probe into the dream life, the fantasy life of politics. Seldom do real candidates do that but surreal candidates can. We get behind, above, inside the political scenes that go on. And we've always supported 3 major, what we believe to be, important political planks. One is what started out to be One man - One Channel. That is room for everyone to speak for themselves, regardless of how much money they have, regardless of race, religion, color, all of those things America is supposed to provide people. So now that we have the World Wide Web, and the possibility that even Newt the Grinch wanted to put computers in everyone's hands. It will be there soon and everyone will have their individual voice to express yourself, be creative, complain, write in. So you know that's already come to pass. I think our pressure's had a great deal to do with it. As VP, that's Virtual President, you'll be able to talk directly to me, send me E-Mail, and I'll tell you what I think directly. I guess you can E-Mail the White House, but I tell you, you won't be talking to Mr. Clinton, I know that. They have to turn it over to the FBI.

It's much too early in the morning for me to be talking about slogans but of course you know that we are promising "One person, One channel", yes we've already discussed that a great deal. Then you've heard about "The Guaranteed Annual Year"? We feel that we can, as a political party, The Natural Surrealist Party can guarantee you, an entire year of 365 or 6 days. But this time we're guaranteeing it to you at the speed of life! At no faster than 250 revolutions per second. That's a very important aspect.

And of course we're enfranchising, as always, the entire biosphere; all the animals, the rocks, the insects, the dogs, the cats, the little pussy cats in your home, everyone can vote for me. In that way...and of course the great apes, we are encursed...encouraging not only the enfranchisement of the great apes, but the orang-gotangs, the gorillas, and the chimpanzees. We want to grant them full citizenship so no one will be unkind to these wonderful animals, who are only 1% of DNA, away from ourselves. I will admit that is an important 1% of DNA. We believe that if you allow the entire biosphere to vote, they will vote on their own behalf. There is no unemployment in nature. The animals, the insects, the trees and the rocks, are not going to vote for their own extinction, unlike the human race, who does it frequently.

I'm having a wonderful time out on the campaign trail. Now that there's a Reform Party, the President is on the lam. Maybe the sacrificial lamb, I don't know. There's too many jokes to be made about the poor fellow. I'm running for VP, that's virtual president. So I think everyone wants a president who's simply virtual, you know? Not the actual person there. You see how much trouble our dear current President is in for being an actual person and really doing something, you see. He's in terrible trouble. He's made investments and had women friends, and goodness knows what else, poor fella. He's even married, that's a bad thing for him. And there's Mr. Dole, he's a real person, he just can't express it, that's all.

I'm 76 years old this year, but you see I'm not running for President, so it doesn't matter if I die in office because then you won't have one of those Vice Presidents to fill in my place. They'll simply lay me to rest splendidly to the music, the Marine Band, you know, the horses and all of that. It will be quite wonderful, and the government will go on right as it has done before so....My age doesn't bother me, I'm extremely vigorous.

So to all my voters out there, it's a write in candidacy, of course, for Vice President. You're entitled to vote for any President you want to, but just simply write in on the line where it says Vice President, instead of Al Gore or X the unknown, just write in George Tirebiter. Well I do have to run off, so I'll talk to you all later."