The Max Midas Touch

THE BUTT FILTER: It used to be that a guy could eat whatever he wanted and not have to worry about the consequences. Who cared if you developed a gut that hung out over your pants? It meant you were a man and you knew how to eat like one. Now if your stomach hangs out, none of the girls will hang out with you. So you switch to a high protein, high fiber diet - like beans and rice - you get the girls but you also get gas and that means you're going to lose the girls again. So I've developed a product that will let you pass that gas while you enhance your modern, "with it" image. It's "The Butt Filter". Just insert this little device and the next time nature calls, it sounds like the "Beep Beep" of a pager. You're being paged - and, boom! You're out of the room before it hits 'em and when you hit the pavement, reset the filter to "street" and you'll be making the music of a "La Cucharacha Car Horn". Watch those heads turn every time you toot.

SNOOTY SCENTS: Hey! You don't need a wad of big bucks to be a big buck on date night. That's right! You can have the sweet smell of success for pennies by investing in my latest line of "Snooty Scents" perfumes. Smell like the rich from tip to toe, starting with my "Silver Spoon" breath freshners. They come in three elite flavors ... Caviar, Truffles and Champagne. Hey, you've just scarfed down a chili dog and a brewsky, but your date will think you just stepped out of a trendy restaurant. Oh, oh! She wants you to slip out of your coat and relax. No sweat! Even if you have, you're protected with Max Midas' "Rolls Deodorant". Even though you parked your Yugo around the corner, you smell like a brand new Rolls Royce. Now it's time to get comfy. No problem! Kick off your shoes and really sock it to her with a whiff of my "Gucci Loafer" foot spray. Remember, with Max Midas' "Snooty Scents", she'll never smell a rat.

LAWYER IN A BRIEFCASE: Whether or not you like lawyers, and who does - you can't overlook the enormous power and prestige they command in our society. And if you're like me, you want a piece of that action. But, who has the time to spend three excrutiatingly dull and competitive years in law school. That's asking too much. That's why I've created the Max Midas "Lawyer in a Briefcase". Snap it open and out pops a legal size unisex suit in authority blue. File folders over stuffed with scary looking documents, a steaming cup of styrofoam office strength coffee and my Max Midas legal eagle equalizer. It's a palm size digital voice box in powerful Porsche black, programmed to make you sound like a big league lawyer. Press the button and impress them with your choice of phrases like, "I'll see you in court" or "I'll see you on the court", or "I'll see you in Hell", or "I see you've got a hell of a court." If this doesn't work, "sue me".

MIDAS MEMORY: How many times has a faulty memory embarrassed you in front of friends and business associates. Can't remember? Then you need the Midas Memory Maximizer, and here it is. Let's say you're at a convention and up walks Dorothy Snowdon, a really good looking sales rep from a hot area. It's time to mix business with pleasure, but you won't get much of either if you don't remember her name. Let's maximize your memory. Think of a famous Dorothy, like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz. Now super impose Judy's face like a mask on Miss Snowdon's and Snowdon becomes Snowed On. Visualize a pile of snow on top of Judy's head and you've got Dorothy Snowdon. Get it? Okay, the next night at the big banquet, here she comes - all by herself and looking good. Draw up that visualization and say, "Well, if it isn't Todo Slush Head".

RICH RAP: Even if you're as poor as a church mouse, you can sound like a fat cat once you learn to talk like Trump with my new Rich Rap cassette. The next thing you know, you'll be sitting down in a bar in some ritzy joint laying this line on the glitzy guy or gal of your choice. "Ah, excuse me. Could you help me with a little problem? I'm gonna pop for a pair of Porcini-Benz convertibles and I don't know . . . Should I stick with the heated power mirrors, ivory fuel flap and leather lumbar memory seat, or do I go all the way with the burl walnut steering defoggers, curb side radar watchers and exterior freeze alert?" Next thing you know, they'll be driving you to some Type A party in their Porcini-Benz. Next day hit 'em up for some upscale advice on your wardrobe. Ask 'em, "Do you think I'm the Georgio Harmonica 12-piece, two-button lambskin pullover with the French pencil necked peaked collar, or the Yves Saint Stool putting coat with the extra deep sheep dip pockets?" Doesn't matter which one you go for. They'll never see it. It's being altered to fit the seats of your new Porcini-Benzes.

"This is Max Midas with the Midas Touch." (from RFO.NET)