Phil ProctorBest of

Planet Proctor

What is Reality?

DEAR FRIENDS: The following items from Planet Proctor have one thing in common; can you guess what it is?

IN THE NEXT/WORLD:(I guess it had to happen . . .) The world is running out of burial space and yet people want to be able to remember their loved ones and even more to visit them in beautiful, remote location where private meditation and intimate communication is imperative, What better solution than Next/world's VIRTUAL CEMETERY, a site affords you a headstone or mausoleum of your own design, at reasonable prices in a virtually limitless space - just like the universe your loved one has passed over to.
You will be able to "visit" your lost one's resting place, lovingly recreated from a photograph of the actual plot, or rendered by our artists into a series of real, idyllic and even fantastical settings with appropriate sound and lighting effects such as: the murmur of a soft breeze, the shifting shadows cast by sheltering trees, the trilling of birds and the buzz of insects. A choice of beautiful music, distant bells or heavenly voices can be called up for another minor charge; and you can stay as long as you want, or can afford, as the sun and clouds move accordingly overhead.
Or, you can call up the weather conditions or time of day appropriate to your mood: a distant thunderstorm; a rain shower followed by a rainbow; a gorgeous sunrise or a breathtaking sunset - it's all up to you.
At a slight additional cost, you can call up flowers, flags and other memorials to place on your loved one's spot; and for an additional investment, a vocal or physical likeness of your dearly departed can be holographically rendered in a movingly lifelike manner. We can even pre-record one side of an interactive dialogue in your partner's dear voice so that you can actually communicate in the world beyond, through our patented "Next/world" interface.
No matter what disposal method is employed in physical reality, (interment, cremation, burial at sea, in space, or cryogenics) your loved one will be downloaded at the exact moment of his or her actual dispersal and visitations can be effected immediately.
Because there is no actual "space" involved in the design and creation of these sites, alterations can be made at will and additional decedants can take their places next to their relatives or loving partners at any time with no disruption to other family plots.
Furthermore, one's pets can be added to the chosen site, a situation quite impossible to efect in some states; and even friends can be imported to share one's final station either eternally or for a short term visitation and they can also be removed just as easily at any time, allowing for special family reunions or personal memorials quite impossible to realize in physical reality.
Surviving persons can even plan to visit a site together no matter how widely scattered they may be, interacting with their late friends and relatives and with each other; or - through the intersetion of one of our virtual psychics - actual communication with surviving spirits will be made possible at a slight additional charge. (For more information, visit

STAR TRIPPING?:A company called "StarTrips" which claims it can get roles for out-of-work actors, just filed for a Hollywod business license, but it's not a talent agency.
For the price of a small deposit, StarTrips will book an imaginary trip for an unemployed player and print out a confirmation of the fake reservations. Once the thespian tells agents, managers and friends he's "going out of town" he will most assuredly be offered a role that will force him to cancel the trip. If not, he gets the deposit back. And if the job is "overscale" the travel agent will get a "bonus" equivalent to an agent's normal ten-percent fee (minus the deposit) Now that's Show Business!

AND THE ANSWER IS:What they have in common is - I made them both up! (Or did I?) Ask Nick Danger, he knows everything!

Phil "Rocky" Proctor