By DAVID OSSMAN
BEN: It's ethnic cleansing all this week on Ben Bland's Internet Graveyard Matinee. I'm always here and if your serotonin level is as low as mine, I know you'll have nothing else to listen to while you do your Generic Studies Homework. Matinee's brought to you today by GATES OF HELL - brand-new walled and gated maximum security community out there in the Bosky Hills of Prozak, New Jersey. Surrounded by protected County Reforestation Reserve. and vast tracts of smog-free Saudi-owned golf lands and grazing greens - How safe is it? Easy - they won't give you a key! And if you think you can't afford it, join the whitefolks who already live there - they can't afford to sell! It's GATES OF HELL - a Timeless Homestead - or a Hopeless Timeshare - at The Village. You'll sing-sing the prisons - sing the praises - of these condo-like life-style entertainment units, where you program the perfect vaca-options for you and your legal companion. OK . . .
[MUSIC IN AND UNDER VOXS - SPACEY NEW AGE]
MONTANA WOMAN: I used to be a lumber-jack. Before the trees were gone. Now, I'm a Space Colonial..
RUSSIAN GUY: I used to hustle used fuel rods - now I hustle Passive Mass Catchers.
JERSEY GIRL: I rilly wanted to go someplace ELSE! That's why I decided to try for Powersat Programer!
STRAIGHT GUY: I used to work for the Feds - now I work for the Colony!
PITCHMAN: Change YOUR life! Call now! Follow your Specific Impulse into High Orbit, with help from Western Colonial Technologies. Yes, the Colony is now a fact -you can watch it growing ever-larger up in the sky tonight! YOUR career can grow with it! Western Colonial Technologies! 87 percent of WCT grads are in Outer Space RIGHT NOW! Why not you? Press 1-800-L5 and talk to one of our career advisors on line - they're weightless!
[MUSIC FADES OUT UNDER BEN]
BEN: That's 1-800-L5. Or you can e-mail direct to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Catch that scene coming up next on Ben Bland's Mystery Sci-Fi Rippoff Theater's Brainscan Matinee screening of "Psycho in Gradeschool", the sequel - "Eat It Raw!" We'll be back . . .