By DAVID OSSMAN

BEN: It's ethnic cleansing all this week on Ben Bland's Internet Graveyard Matinee. I'm always here and if your serotonin level is as low as mine, I know you'll have nothing else to listen to while you do your Generic Studies Homework. Matinee's brought to you today by GATES OF HELL - brand-new walled and gated maximum security community out there in the Bosky Hills of Prozak, New Jersey. Surrounded by protected County Reforestation Reserve. and vast tracts of smog-free Saudi-owned golf lands and grazing greens - How safe is it? Easy - they won't give you a key! And if you think you can't afford it, join the whitefolks who already live there - they can't afford to sell! It's GATES OF HELL - a Timeless Homestead - or a Hopeless Timeshare - at The Village. You'll sing-sing the prisons - sing the praises - of these condo-like life-style entertainment units, where you program the perfect vaca-options for you and your legal companion. OK . . .
   Now, all the advice you need to start working again in the Twenty First Century, from the good folks in orbit - at Western Colonial Technologies!

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RUSSIAN GUY: I used to hustle used fuel rods - now I hustle Passive Mass Catchers.

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PITCHMAN: Change YOUR life! Call now! Follow your Specific Impulse into High Orbit, with help from Western Colonial Technologies. Yes, the Colony is now a fact -you can watch it growing ever-larger up in the sky tonight! YOUR career can grow with it! Western Colonial Technologies! 87 percent of WCT grads are in Outer Space RIGHT NOW! Why not you? Press 1-800-L5 and talk to one of our career advisors on line - they're weightless!

BEN: That's 1-800-L5. Or you can e-mail direct to me at bbland@rfo.com.
I don't know why, but that commercial reminds me of a funny story about this movie "Psycho on Gunstreet", Part 13 - seems that after guest corpse Faye Dunnaway was done away with by the sharp-tongued wit and Howard Hughes fingernails of little Freddy the Cabbage Patch doll - her husband - played by that guy from "Cheers" before he was famous. Dead Manson - was supposed to grieve over her torn and bleeding body, but there they were, all in makeup and special effects and everything and Manson turns to the director and says - "I can't cry" - and the director says, "Think of something terrible that really happened to you, hunch your shoulders over and heave." So he does - later he said he was thinking about this dog of his that got run over - and he starts to weep, and the cameras roll and he's sobbing and suddenly Faye - sorry, it's Cloris Leachman, that's right, anyway, she suddenly gags and sits up and runs off the set screaming: "He's got green snot coming out of his nose!" And sure enough, it's in a famous out-takes reel they won't even show on "America's Funniest Hard Copy", he's crying so hard, goo is running out of his nose.

Catch that scene coming up next on Ben Bland's Mystery Sci-Fi Rippoff Theater's Brainscan Matinee screening of "Psycho in Gradeschool", the sequel - "Eat It Raw!" We'll be back . . .