WITH SEX SCANDAL!
Hollywood, CA: National Surrealist Party Vice Presidential candidate George Leroy Tirebiter was caught with his pervirtual cross-dressing panties down in what appears to be a disgusting shameful Viagra ridden wild orgiastic transvestite cult nest with several unknown movie stars and national politicos. A familiar unreliable source has supplied Firezine with the photographic evidence at an undisclosed price. The photos arrived in a plain white envelope delivered secretly in the dead of night to the Firezine PO box by a government agent. No captions accompanied the prurient photos, only a mysterious message saying, "The pictures speak for themselves." Also Mr. Phil Proctor of Beverly Hills, CA 90210 and member of the left wing ultra liberal comedy recording troupe The Firesign Theatre and successful commercial and movie voice over artist asked that his name not be printed so as to avoid all bad publicity and possible loss of his lucrative contracts with such family oriented film studios like Disney and Pixar.
Tirebiter, in a fund raising slump after last year's 'sex with his hat' revelations failed to spark interest, probably decided to throw all caution to the winds and gain much needed national attention by participating fool heartedly in these disgusting degrading rituals. After a supposed swing through San Francisco, Tirebiter may have sought political refuge among his constituents in the bowels of Hollywood. It's been rumored that Rhino Records, exclusive releaser of Firesign Theatre's up until now unboycotted recent CD thiller 'Boom Dot Bust', actually supplied the motel room, caterers and photographers to trap Tirebiter and company in a black mailing scheme to extort a new album from the comedy group, tentatively titled 'The Bride Of Firesign'.
None of the participating partiers, including Tirebiter, could be reached for comment at this time. Firezine takes the "no comment" response as a complete admission of undeniable guilt as these photos will so grossly reveal.
The Freditor of Firezine: The Official Official Magazine of The Firesign Theatre was quoted as saying, "I can't believe it. After all the trouble I had with Rhino executives spelling my name wrong in the 'Give Me Immortality Or Give Me Death' CD booklet, ignoring my e-mails and black balling me by associated guilt with that vile vermin Frederick C. Weibel, Jr., head cheese of 'El Presidente' Cigar Co. last year and that horrible close-up broadcast to billions on CNN, that something like this would ever happen again. What an insult! I was just finally recovering from my resulting cranberry juice addiction by extensive self imposed acupuncture, electro-shock therapy and personal finger socket treatments. And now this. And now this," the overwrought and generally ignored editor repeated while licking his fingers and pulling a pin out of his arm.
"This takes the cake and eats it too. This is so dirty I need a cold shower every time I look at these pictures and I've studied them long and hard into the night. I'm shocked, totally disgusted, exhausted and sore armed at this point. I've never felt so low," he recanted, dragging his knuckles across the floor.
"I staked my whole career and persona on this man and his high ideals. I don't know what to do except perhaps print hundreds of thousands of extra copies of Firezine in a special issue solely dedicated exclusively to this succulently sordid story. Sure it will boost our sagging sales and skyrocket us into the upper echelon of the magazine publishing world but at what price? About $29.99 a pop, I would guess," the Forbian Freditor chortled as he fingered the invisible money in his hands.
No words that we could ever come up with can adequately describe the vile disturbing images that Firezine has decided to put up and shut up for all of the world to see. Since this is a family friendly magazine, only a small selection of the more sedate and less sexually explicit photos will be posted. (The Freditor says he has the rest of pictures, is the only one to see them and is saving the worst to be either autographed and auctioned off on e-bay to fund his own personal reform campaign and special Firezine publication or if the powers that be can come up with the funds to have them properly destroyed).
You'll have to see and judge for yourself just what happened that fateful night when the concealed cameras captured these horrid happenings. Our suggested captions are merely that, suggestions.